Jealousy
no pithy title - just jealousy
It’s an ugly feeling, to be jealous, not envious which there’s a distinct difference - no I’m talking about the pain so searing it makes you want to never attempt anything ever again.
Recently, I’ve felt this way about my fanfiction writing; one of my favorite pieces of pop culture released a new series, and of course, the desire to write fanfic for it was there, but then I saw others posting their works which I feel are far superior to mine.
Am I stupid for feeling this way?
I’ve been reading Julia Cameron’s ‘Write For Life,’ a sort of sequel to her successful ‘The Artist’s Way’ craft book on writing. Her advice is generally very sound, especially about taking walks (roughly 30 minutes) and writing ‘morning pages’ every day, at least 3 of them. I’m not particularly fond of her religiosity, expressing direct inspiration from God isn’t for me, so I just ignore that part. However, Cameron’s chapter on jealousy really struck a nerve:
‘Jealousy is grounded in fear. Fearful at its core, this emotion diminishes our self-esteem. Jealousy requires honesty. We must admit our dreams and desires. We must admit our anger at being passed over. Jealousy brings with it the gift of self-knowledge; it asks us to grow.’ - pg 82
Last January I posted a two-part Nosferatu fanfiction and immediately regretted writing it and sharing it; to me, it was awful, so unoriginal and derivative of so many other fics on Tumblr and Ao3. My friends who did read it tried to reassure me that the story wasn’t trash, but alas that feeling has remained, so much so I refuse to even reread it. Fanfiction is a sandbox we play in, somewhere we as writers go to practice and have fun in our craft, or least that’s how it’s supposed to be. I recall reading one Nosferatu fic on Ao3 so beautifully written, I commented on it, telling the author how amazing she was as a writer and that it made me want to burn my hands, so I’d never write again. I meant this as a joke, but honestly - I felt so inadequate I might as well have followed through with it.
Thus, I’m frozen by fear and jealousy, that my writing is trash, or worse - mediocre. I shouldn’t bother with trying to write, and trust me, this feeling won’t disappear overnight if I became a published author. Writing asks of us to be brave and to assert ourselves as writers, but as someone soon turning 35, it’s so hard to keep up the act.
Social media, regardless if there’s no algorithm like Ao3, reminds us that it’s a numbers game; how many subscribers, how many hits, how many likes, how many followers - it sucks. I remember how happy I felt to reach 50 subscribers back in September, only to see those numbers dwindle, even though I’ve kept pace with writing and posting here.
Am I even worthy to be trying to make this Substack grow?
Who am I to even think my writing is worth posting, let alone to be read?
Something else Julia Cameron said in her book also stayed with me about the writing process:
‘Patience is the key to fine writing. I love to write and patience has taught me to savor the process.’ - pg 86
Jealousy compels us to grow, but envy? She is a cruel emotion who would rather see the world burn to ensure no one else is happy. Envy takes hold of jealousy, tells her that success shouldn’t be in anyone’s reach, then stabs at her chest, watching her wither away and turn to dust. Envy is telling your writing friends that their success is fleeting and will one day be gone. Envy stunts growth for everyone, there’s no tallest tree, there’s no best in show, only seething rage and resentment.
I want to be rid of this feeling of inadequacy, the strangle hold of mediocrity forever and doing so requires me to be honest, and here it is:
I refuse to be envious, and I’m happy to see the success of others, including my Tumblr mutuals, and writer friends; letting go of jealousy reminds me of a scene from season 3 of The White Lotus with Carrie Coon’s monologue, I’m just happy to be at the table.
Ok first of all I want to say that you are not alone. Everyone–EVERYONE–feels this way sometimes or all the times. Next, I love your reframe around jealousy: it's pointing you in the direction you want to go. And I love that you are immersed in Julia Cameron. She is THE BEST. When I recommend The Artist's Way to people, I always warn them to be careful because I'm pretty sure I ended my marriage because of it. Anyway, I want you to know that you are brilliant, creative, unique, and perfect, and also, again, not alone.